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Wedding Humor

Divorce Jokes Marriage Jokes Wedding Jokes

A seventy year old man is over head over heels in love with a twenty year old girl. But it isn't mutual. Grandpa decides to do something about it: fitness, plastic surgery, everything is done to make him look more youthful. And with success, a couple of months later he walks out of the church a married man, holding the hand of his beautiful bride. Great is his anger when at that time a bus runs over him and kills him. Furious he walks up to the angel Gabrielle at the gate of heaven and says: "How can you do this to me now that I've finally got what I wanted!" Gabrielle laughs painfully and says: "Sorry man but I just didn't recognize you."

On a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon, Jack stood on the first tee at his country club. He had just pulled out his driver when a young woman in a wedding gown came running up to him, crying. She slaps him in the face, turns and runs away.
He turns to his golfing buddy and says calmly,  "I don't know what her problem is. I distinctly told her only if it rained."

The young man approached the father, intending to ask for him for his daughter's hand in marriage. "Sir," he blurted out, "I have an attachment for your daughter, and. . ."
"Look, sonny," interrupted the father. "If my daughter needs accessories, I'll buy them myself!"

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

Scientists have discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive - it's called Wedding Cake

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'

Redneck Wedding Etiquette

  • Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  • Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
  • When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
  • A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
  • For the groom:
    at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.
    Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

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A girl went to an ophthalmologist for an eye examination. After he had completed his tests, the doctor said, "You do need glasses. Be sure to come back after your wedding."
"Why can't I have them now?" the girl asked.
"Because, Miss," said the doctor sternly, "I don't believe in specs before marriage."

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But, there is something that is perhaps more dangerous than anything else.' The dietician peered into the crowd and asked, 'Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?'
A handful of people in the audience raised their hands with possible answers.
'Yes, you, sir, in the first row,' said the dietician. 'Please give us your idea.'
The man grinned and blurted, 'Wedding cake!'

A businessman was being interviewed about his life and career when the subject of his wife of thirty years came up.
"To what do you attribute the success of your marriage?" asked the interviewer.
"Well," replied the businessman, "You know that saying 'Behind every successful man there's a woman'?"
"Well, behind every successful man's woman is a pre-nuptial agreement."

Q. Why do brides wear white?
A. So their dishwasher will match the fridge and stove.

The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother Carol finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother had purchased the same dress.
She asked Barbie, her stepmother, to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million bucks in it!"
Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind, dear, after all it's your special day, not hers."
Two weeks later, another dress was finally found for Jennifer's mom. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? You don't have any place to wear it."
Carol grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so - how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook..."

John and his fiancée Jill were a modern couple, quite realistic about the state of marriage these days. They met with the minister of the church to discuss their marriage vows.
"Pastor," said Jill, "we wonder if we could make a change in the wording of our ceremony."
"Yes, Jill," replied the pastor, "it is sometimes done. What do you have in mind?"
"Well," said Jill, "we'd like to alter the 'until death do us part' section to read, 'Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.' "

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

The hostess (with a daughter of marriageable age - of long duration) sent out an invitation to an officer (who was supposed to be the prospective suitor of her daughter's hand).
"Mr. and Mrs. Dabney request the pleasure of Captain Black's company at dinner on the 16th of September."
She was somewhat dismayed to receive the enthusiastic reply: "With the exception of four men on leave, and two sick, Captain Black's company accept with much pleasure your invitation to dinner on the 16th of September."

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

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